I will learn...

to TANGO!

I am going to learn...

how to do this eye.

The Further Education of Diana

So here I am, clients have freaked out due to the economy and have pulled their business. Last year I had breast surgery twice, the first was to remove an early cancer, the second was to see if the lumps on the other breast were cancer (thank goodness they were not). I digress.

In light of all of this, I find myself not working; thank goodness for my husband who is stepping up to cover everything, well pretty much everything. I sit here wondering what is next, what do I do next? Start another business, focus my consulting on another industry, get a job, or do nothing? So in a casual conversation, my husband says to me that I should consider going back to school and that he wishes that he could transfer his education benefits (he was in the military) to me. So I go online and start reading about the process and I find out that I might just be able to use his benefits.

Wow, the idea of school being paid for floors me. I have never, ever thought this possible - the roadblocks in the past have been; working while going to school, then covering tuition - It all seemed too much. I know, I sound lazy when I type it and read it back to myself. There are many people out there who are single, have a bunch of kids, work full time and go to school. That scenario frightens me.

My next step is completing the form requesting the benefit from the veterans administration - I have the paperwork right here in my hot little hands. After that is submitted, I then decide what I would like to study and where and then apply.

I have mentioned this to a few people - my friends Erin, Hallie, and my brother-in-law Rich. Everyone thinks it is a good idea. And, I love how Rich always asks me great questions. He asked my motivation. Why would I go back? Yes, I have been thinking about this already but Rich's question put it out there for me to discuss out loud. The most important reason is that I want to finish this. Finishing the formal education process (life is a lifelong learning process, I mean a formal schooled education) I want to accomplish this for myself.

For those of you who know me well, I am sure the first thing you are thinking is why don't I go to art school, or use your creative skills. Honestly, I always thought if I went back to school I would study art. I love art and being creative is the reason I breathe. I am just not sure what I am going to study.

Here are some thoughts:

Spirituality
Womens studies
Leadership
Strategic Thinking
Strategic Marketing
Philosophy
Integrated Leadership
Eastern studies
Communication

So stay tuned, more to follow as these months roll on. I promise to post once I complete and send my form to the Veteran's Administration.

The Day After 50

Okay, so it is a few days after my 50th birthday and am a bit surprised that I did not freak out. Instead I am calmly deciding to take a look at what the next 50 years will look like.

I was born on March 19, 1960 in a small city in Northern California, Salinas. This non-assuming town was made famous by John Steinbach. I have led a life, a normal life. However, I always felt myself different than my classmates and townsfolk. I considered myself a creative urbanite that was accidentally born in this small town. My dreams and aspirations where not shared by anyone I knew, except perhaps my sister. Although she was better suited to assimilating and thriving in the environment, come to think of it all environments. I needed to be with my creative folk.

I moved to San Francisco and half heartedly attended design school. Really, I didn't feel I had to work at school or that I even needed it. I wanted to be successful at the get-go. Ah youth, so misguided.

Later I will get into details of my life after Salinas.

Here I am, 50. My first 50 years were filled with some really wonderful moments - moving to San Francisco, the birth of my daughter, and a few others which escape me at the moment. I have also had some pretty horrific times - a husband that has danced with addiction, being belittled and bullied, a boss that tried to attack me with a pair of scissors, been drugged, debt. Now granted my horrible moments were horrible to me, but pale in comparison to people who are physically attacked and hurt, beaten or other awful things that I cannot even imagine.

So here I sit, wondering, wondering - what will become of me when I am old? How do I prepare to be old? How will I manage? How do I not repeat my mistakes? How do I undo the mistakes I have made? How do I reclaim my happy carefree self? How do I find the real me?

This diary will hopefully help me understand myself better and help me cull a life that feels worth it.