The Day After 50

Okay, so it is a few days after my 50th birthday and am a bit surprised that I did not freak out. Instead I am calmly deciding to take a look at what the next 50 years will look like.

I was born on March 19, 1960 in a small city in Northern California, Salinas. This non-assuming town was made famous by John Steinbach. I have led a life, a normal life. However, I always felt myself different than my classmates and townsfolk. I considered myself a creative urbanite that was accidentally born in this small town. My dreams and aspirations where not shared by anyone I knew, except perhaps my sister. Although she was better suited to assimilating and thriving in the environment, come to think of it all environments. I needed to be with my creative folk.

I moved to San Francisco and half heartedly attended design school. Really, I didn't feel I had to work at school or that I even needed it. I wanted to be successful at the get-go. Ah youth, so misguided.

Later I will get into details of my life after Salinas.

Here I am, 50. My first 50 years were filled with some really wonderful moments - moving to San Francisco, the birth of my daughter, and a few others which escape me at the moment. I have also had some pretty horrific times - a husband that has danced with addiction, being belittled and bullied, a boss that tried to attack me with a pair of scissors, been drugged, debt. Now granted my horrible moments were horrible to me, but pale in comparison to people who are physically attacked and hurt, beaten or other awful things that I cannot even imagine.

So here I sit, wondering, wondering - what will become of me when I am old? How do I prepare to be old? How will I manage? How do I not repeat my mistakes? How do I undo the mistakes I have made? How do I reclaim my happy carefree self? How do I find the real me?

This diary will hopefully help me understand myself better and help me cull a life that feels worth it.